I woke up today after my whopping four hours of sleep wondering just exactly what fresh hell I would walk into today. It’s something everyday, always. It seems like every time I try to get clean the universe piles shit on thicker than I can carry. And I got it. Naturally. It started out innocent enough. I got a Facebook notification and my ex’s sister-in-law had commented on a photo of my girl and me. So, of course I go be nosy (BIG mistake) and there is a picture of the whole family at a birthday party a couple days ago. It hit me like a motherfucking train. I got physically sick. I cried so hard I thought it would never stop. I knew in that moment that that part of my life is over. He’s smiling and happy and with his huge, tight family close. And I’m sitting here alone. He’s done. I’m not. I should be. I know better. We are like a tornado meets a volcano (props Eminem).
And I want to get high. I just want to get high. I miss him so much it hurts.
Then the phone rings. It was like a miracle for real. It was my current husband. I locked the keys in one of my trucks and he was coming to bail me out…again. He’s such a good man. He is always here, always. I avoid him like everything when I’m getting high and being with Jim (the ex) who was once upon a time like a son to him. He should hate me. He has every right. But every time I am trying to get clean and get away from Jim I call on him. And he comes. He’s too good for me. I don’t deserve him but he always comes. That’s almost as hard to think about as missing my Jimmy.
And I still want to get high. Just forget it all for a while. I don’t like looking at what a mess I’ve made. But I have to. These pills are trying to kill me and I’m just about to let them. It’s been almost 11 days since I had one of those little blue devils. 11 hard ass days. 9 days since Jimmy left. Counting days, I hate counting days, but that’s what we addicts do when we are trying to kick.
I feel like it is look at it or die at this point. Some days that second alternative looks not so bad.
It’s a sick life I lead.